"For the dreams and secrets of our heart may be spoken, but words are poor handmaidens. Words can never fully say what we want them to say, for they fumble, stammer, and break the best porcelain. The best one can hope for is to find along the way someone to share the path, content to walk in silence, for the heart communes best when it does not try to speak." - Marshal Medan, from The War of the Souls: Dragons of the Lost Star, volume II, p. 374

i think in one of my few public entries of recent memory, i wrote that in happier times, i feel less compelled to write about life and my state of being.

true, because in happiness, i am placed in a state of satisfaction (albeit seemingly fleeting in contrast to moments such as these, as i have begun to realize once again as i look back and dwell, rather unfortunately, at the way life plays itself out). i am content. i therefore do not feel the need for such introspection and reflection. i would prefer, as i have learned should be preferred, to live in each and every moment that brings me such joy. i would prefer to relish the opportunity given to me (one that brings me far and away from pain and reminds me of what there is to be thankful about), to open my eyes and see what i have in front of me. i believe that you have to seize those moments when they come.. because life as we know it to be is never that predictable, never quite that stable, and never quite the dream that we so want it to be. those moments of happiness are often a big part of what we live for, of our purpose in life; the pursuit of happiness, true happiness mind you, is reason enough for most of us to maintain our state of existence in this worldly plane. one hopes that he/she is fortunate enough, if there is such a thing as fortune, to have come across enough happiness in his/her life to be able to call it complete, so that they may leave knowing that they have lived a full life, knowing that despite their trials, they have done well enough and wouldn't change a thing, so that they may move on in peace.

of late, i have had someone very special come into my life and help sustain that feeling of satisfaction for great lengths of time. for that, i am lucky, and grateful (but not indebted, as that implies gratitude bore out of unequal, unshared acts; of deeds done out of service, in one-sided fashion.. or so i believe.. this has been borne out of love, of working towards mutual understanding and living by it, of sharing and enjoying one's company.. of support for the other.. of.. well.. you get the picture..).

there are moments such as this one, however, that will inevitably threaten to break that state of being.. and leave me like this.. pondering.. questioning.. when things go.. well.. not wrong naman but not quite so right either, isn't that we tend to do more? we ask of what we do not know, of what we do not understand, of what we are found to be left wanting; unsatisfied once again and left stunned, and maybe even helpless.

but now for the important bit: after this momentary (i so hope it is) lapse into self-contemplation, as i am wont to do so, where do i take myself from here? do i allow myself to be consumed by my so-called madness (my weird crazy self) and go into the depths of despair and self-pity and all that shit? or do i take a break, and once again hope.. believe.. that there will yet be another day that i get to smile.. that shgdfghdfhe wigsgsdgdgll bertrshdfh smkhhdhdhdiling wirhrhdnjgth mepajbagsd onhavagnspce agkanggdsoain.

hmm.. i'll go for the latter. not sure how. but it sure beats the choice before it. now, if only i could stop writing. this is about my fifth entry, i believe, for today alone (why, the rest are private, of course. :D).

does any of this even make any sense at all? feel free to engage in any discussion, although i would probably prefer not to have to at some point.. but hey, you're all free to air out any comments, suggestions or violent reactions nonetheless. this is public online space, after all.

will lengthy discourses on my current states really be of any help? shouldn't there be a point where one has to say "enough" to one's incessant contemplation, to such madness? discourses do no good unless they are shred*, acted upon; that is, unless they precede and result in some form of action. wait. am i even using the damned word right? doesn't discourse amount to dialogue and conversation? bah. i say too much, worry to much.

enough, joshua. enough. you'll be fine. you'll only scare people away this way. hahahaha.

*whoops, i meant shared, not shred.. but.. hm.. maybe i meant to say shred after all? nyahahaha. silly boy.

o, so how are all of you na? you better pinch me in the butt next time you see me (that's actually regarded as a compliment daw and only natural in place like rural italy) if you see me dazed, eyes glazed and lost over in poor thought.

i started reading this really thick novel yesterday. i think i'll go finish reading it. then it's off to work again.

my entries are getting shorter and shorter. and more private, too (less things for less people to read). i've gone from being overly contemplative and analytical (which people like me tend to become when things don't seem to go so well) to mostly enjoying life as it is.

despite the fact that i no longer make Über-insightful entries, nor employ more words than necessary to stress certain points (of which i fell into prior to my return from leave of absence), i am very much content with my current state of being.

i am happy..

and when you are, you just smile.Ü

waaah.. i can't get myself to shut up.. hehehehe..

i'm just waiting for my fantasy football's livedraft to start in about 30 minutes.. football season is approaching na ulit!! woohoo!! ooh, and jenson button qualified 3rd for the indinapolis grand prix later.. yay! i just hope a BAR gets into the points this time around.. and kimi qualified 2nd while fernando alonso was 6th.. hmm.. baka si cai lang makakarelate sa akin dun ah.. hehe..

anyway, happy father's day!!

we're going to go swimming daw this afternoon.. whoo.. pay.. half excited ako na hindi.. agh..

anyway, have a wonderful sunday with your loved ones!Ü

oh, does anyone know where i can get an angel costume??

would you guys believe pala, i'm beadle-ing for my philo and theo classes. >__< i figured at least i won't be the last to find out about class announcements.. and it'll keep me more responsible.Ü

ÜÜÜ

i lost my cell phone.. so i don't have a phone again.. :(

sigh.

i can't wait for next week though..ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ

despite all the stress from school and work, i seem to be getting happier by the day.ÜÜ

hmm.. i wonder why. :P