July 30th, 2005 (07:28 pm)
current mood: hmm
current song: the day you said goodnight - hale (yes, for the nth time)
i think in one of my few public entries of recent memory, i wrote that in happier times, i feel less compelled to write about life and my state of being.
true, because in happiness, i am placed in a state of satisfaction (albeit seemingly fleeting in contrast to moments such as these, as i have begun to realize once again as i look back and dwell, rather unfortunately, at the way life plays itself out). i am content. i therefore do not feel the need for such introspection and reflection. i would prefer, as i have learned should be preferred, to live in each and every moment that brings me such joy. i would prefer to relish the opportunity given to me (one that brings me far and away from pain and reminds me of what there is to be thankful about), to open my eyes and see what i have in front of me. i believe that you have to seize those moments when they come.. because life as we know it to be is never that predictable, never quite that stable, and never quite the dream that we so want it to be. those moments of happiness are often a big part of what we live for, of our purpose in life; the pursuit of happiness, true happiness mind you, is reason enough for most of us to maintain our state of existence in this worldly plane. one hopes that he/she is fortunate enough, if there is such a thing as fortune, to have come across enough happiness in his/her life to be able to call it complete, so that they may leave knowing that they have lived a full life, knowing that despite their trials, they have done well enough and wouldn't change a thing, so that they may move on in peace.
of late, i have had someone very special come into my life and help sustain that feeling of satisfaction for great lengths of time. for that, i am lucky, and grateful (but not indebted, as that implies gratitude bore out of unequal, unshared acts; of deeds done out of service, in one-sided fashion.. or so i believe.. this has been borne out of love, of working towards mutual understanding and living by it, of sharing and enjoying one's company.. of support for the other.. of.. well.. you get the picture..).
there are moments such as this one, however, that will inevitably threaten to break that state of being.. and leave me like this.. pondering.. questioning.. when things go.. well.. not wrong naman but not quite so right either, isn't that we tend to do more? we ask of what we do not know, of what we do not understand, of what we are found to be left wanting; unsatisfied once again and left stunned, and maybe even helpless.
but now for the important bit: after this momentary (i so hope it is) lapse into self-contemplation, as i am wont to do so, where do i take myself from here? do i allow myself to be consumed by my so-called madness (my weird crazy self) and go into the depths of despair and self-pity and all that shit? or do i take a break, and once again hope.. believe.. that there will yet be another day that i get to smile.. that shgdfghdfhe wigsgsdgdgll bertrshdfh smkhhdhdhdiling wirhrhdnjgth mepajbagsd onhavagnspce agkanggdsoain.
hmm.. i'll go for the latter. not sure how. but it sure beats the choice before it. now, if only i could stop writing. this is about my fifth entry, i believe, for today alone (why, the rest are private, of course. :D).
does any of this even make any sense at all? feel free to engage in any discussion, although i would probably prefer not to have to at some point.. but hey, you're all free to air out any comments, suggestions or violent reactions nonetheless. this is public online space, after all.
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